Saturday, January 11, 2014

Thin vs. Strong

I had a nightmare the other night.  I was at an upcoming wedding for a friend (a trip I'm looking forward to in the fall... road trip, so so in!) Of course, I'm hoping I'll be at my goal weight by then.  I mean, who doesn't want to look spectacular when seeing a friend for the first time in several years.  Besides, it's all sorts of fun to play dress up for a few hours, and maybe dance the night away.

Only, it wasn't any kind of fun in my dream. I had on a lovely dress, and my mind's eye sort of started at my hemline and slowly panned up.  Gah-- sticking out of the neck hole was a very gaunt and thin neck and head which was almost painful to look at.  The arms were no better... they sort of looked like brittle match sticks.  I was smiling, but my smile looked way too big for my face.
Don't worry.  Unless I become really ill, I won't ever look like that.  I'm just not built that way.  I carry a lot of muscle underneath all this extra "insulation". But the dream got me thinking about what it is that I want, especially as He-who-trains has become fond of saying "Oh, to be thin" when I whine about how hard all of this is, or how much my body hurts, or how I'm starving.  He's a pain in my squatting muscles.

I've always thought I wanted to be thin-- to know what that was like to have a petite body and buy really cute clothes that made me look even tinier. But the more I think about it, that's not what I want at all.  I want to not carry around all this extra weight.  I want to have clearly defined muscles.  But most of all, I want to be strong. I want to be able to lift... a lot.  I want my body to be able to do anything that my brain can dream up. I always wanted to be a runner, but I'm starting to think of myself as one who might one day classify herself as a body builder. (But I think that's sorta like being a cyclist in spandex.  You have to have the body before you can wear the title...or the ill fitting clothes.)
A goal should be lofty, right? 

I'm happy for people who are thin.  And only a teeny bit envious.  But seeing as I'm not built that way, then I'm gonna rock what my body was built to do: make the kindly and caring older men at the gym continue to say "Honey, that's an awful lot for a girl.  Are you sure you can lift that much?"  And I'm gonna smile and say (to myself, ideally) "that's only my warmup."  Oh and you know.  Look like her?