It appears I've become that person... the one that a few weeks ago, I would've deemed fanatical or some other such derrogatory name. The one that drives every one else crazy with so strickly sticking to a diet and exercise plan.
For several weeks now, I've not eaten at all during any church gatherings-- only drinking water so I'm doing something. But now, as I prepare to head out of town for a conference that will last all week, I've taken the crazy a step farther. I've packaged 11 servings of protein powder in individual baggies. And I've cooked enough meat that I will able to do lunch and dinner with only a microwave. (Lemon Rosemary Chicken Breasts, Spaghetti Sauce, and Garlic Soy Sauce Pork Chops.) A few steamer bags of vegetables and small box of pasta and some milk and I'm set for the week. I've already researched enough to know that there is a Y close to the hotel, and that they open at 5:30. I've not only packed professional clothes, but gym clothes for every day. I'm sure I'll have to do one fast food meal on each end of the trip, but I can plan for that...and do it guiltlessly. Maybe it's the whole "Failure to plan is a plan to fail" thing has finally made sense.
Or maybe it's something else. He-who-trains told me that in order to succeed I had to learn to unapologetically say to myself and anyone else, "This is who I am." I've finally reached the point where those words are easy for me. When someone asks me to cheat a little bit, I can happily say, "I don't need that." And it's true. It's not about the calories because I know I could splurge every now and then. It's finally become about the mindset. Because I know that once I start eating things I don't need, all I want to do is eat things I don't need. At 1200 calories a day, there's not a lot of wiggle room. And I like that right now. I'm no longer eating food because it's there or someone fixed or even because it tastes good-- I eat what I need for my body to do what it needs to do.
So, yeah. I'm that person. I'm ok with that. Because that person is the one that will succeed when the other versions of me have failed. That person is the best person to be right now.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Coveting Koinonia
I wish I could remember who said this, but I love it even if I can't correctly attribute it. Speaking on what is good about the church, she (whomever she is...) said, "Your yoga teacher won't bring you a casserole when your mom dies." She was talking about the community that is at the heart of who the church is. Don't get me wrong, sometimes the church blows it. Sometimes we become gossipy and self-interested, but that happens within any organization. Yet, a church can be a very valuable gift when you need someone to be in your corner.
I've been interested to see this unfold as I've become public with my journey of losing weight. I was kind of nervous about being so open, but especially as a leader. I wondered if people would frown when I let them know that I would be making time for the gym and that it was a priority. I wondered how many I would upset when I hit the point of no longer eating at church dinners. (Which has actually been a gift-- now I'm free to talk and listen and make eye contact, knowing that I'll eat my 200 carefully measured calories at home.) I made a game plan for defending myself, saying that if I wasn't healthy, then I couldn't be a healthy pastor for them. But I've never needed to defend myself. No one questions it when I go to the gym mid afternoon if I have an evening meeting. Aside from curiousity, no one seems to mind my lack of food consumption at meals.
And more than not needing to defend myself, I've actually found myself on the receiving end of lots of support. I have an elder who calls me "Slim." ( I tell him that his elder status is not in question and that he doesn't need brownie points, but we both know he gets them!) I had a lady who used to work for weight watchers offer to make some low calorie things just for me so I wouldn't feel left out. And when I told another lady that I had some questions as to whether I needed to see a doctor to rule out some medical issues, she not only gave me a recommendation, but is faithfully following up with me every time she sees me to make sure that I do it. Someone once told me that "a real friend is one who loves you into being accountable for the intentions you set for yourself."
But maybe that's more than friendship. Maybe that's Koinonia. Koinonia is the greek word that loosely means "fellowship" or "common life." But in classical Greek, it also means partner or companion. The idea denotes a unity of purpose in some ways. In other words, because my health matters to me, it matters to them. They see themselves as partners in what I would have described as a completely individual journey. Maybe that's why Weight Watchers is so popular-- because anyone who has ever done this knows that it's easier to have a community. I'm grateful for the ways my congregation teaches me about Koinonia-- and for the ways they love me enough to help me love myself.
I've been interested to see this unfold as I've become public with my journey of losing weight. I was kind of nervous about being so open, but especially as a leader. I wondered if people would frown when I let them know that I would be making time for the gym and that it was a priority. I wondered how many I would upset when I hit the point of no longer eating at church dinners. (Which has actually been a gift-- now I'm free to talk and listen and make eye contact, knowing that I'll eat my 200 carefully measured calories at home.) I made a game plan for defending myself, saying that if I wasn't healthy, then I couldn't be a healthy pastor for them. But I've never needed to defend myself. No one questions it when I go to the gym mid afternoon if I have an evening meeting. Aside from curiousity, no one seems to mind my lack of food consumption at meals.
And more than not needing to defend myself, I've actually found myself on the receiving end of lots of support. I have an elder who calls me "Slim." ( I tell him that his elder status is not in question and that he doesn't need brownie points, but we both know he gets them!) I had a lady who used to work for weight watchers offer to make some low calorie things just for me so I wouldn't feel left out. And when I told another lady that I had some questions as to whether I needed to see a doctor to rule out some medical issues, she not only gave me a recommendation, but is faithfully following up with me every time she sees me to make sure that I do it. Someone once told me that "a real friend is one who loves you into being accountable for the intentions you set for yourself."
But maybe that's more than friendship. Maybe that's Koinonia. Koinonia is the greek word that loosely means "fellowship" or "common life." But in classical Greek, it also means partner or companion. The idea denotes a unity of purpose in some ways. In other words, because my health matters to me, it matters to them. They see themselves as partners in what I would have described as a completely individual journey. Maybe that's why Weight Watchers is so popular-- because anyone who has ever done this knows that it's easier to have a community. I'm grateful for the ways my congregation teaches me about Koinonia-- and for the ways they love me enough to help me love myself.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Un-stuck!
After several weeks of the scale either steadfastly refusing to say I'd lost, or stubbornly saying that I'd actually gained-- finally we're seeing eye to eye! Down almost two pounds yesterday, and another .7 lbs today. It doesn't exactly make me bikini ready, but maybe it means I've broken through the stuck spot.
I'll take it!
I'll take it!
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Bahahahahaha!
The very first time I worked out with He-who-trains, and I thought I was going to die, He made me a promise. He said, "A few months from now, you will look back at this workout and just laugh. It will seem so easy to you."
Not that I doubted him, of course. But the it was kind of hard to think about, you know, while frantically sucking in air.
But today as I was cleaning up some accumulated clutter, I found it: the first workout. Stiff-legged deadlifts: 10 reps, 8 lbs. Now I do 12 reps at 35 lbs. That's the only exercise still in my routine from those early days (lovely, wonderful days) of being trained at the house. But even though I'm not still doing those exercises, I know that they'd be a joke to me now. Pretty much the only thing I use 10lb dumbbells for now is warming up (and that was the heavy weight at first.)
So much has changed since then. Not just the weights and rotations, but the way I look at things. Food is no longer a source of pleasure, though the conversation often is. Hunger is no longer a nuisance, but a sign that my body is working hard to get rid of the fat. I feed my body only what it needs to make it through the day and the workout. I eat at the same time every day. And while I'm not exactly a weight room expert, I no longer feel out of place. I don't dread working out, but instead (still) growl at off days. I'm fine when my heart rate stays in the 180's, and have learned to push when I'm mentally ready to stop. I no longer guess at my calories because I measure.
That makes this (slightly less) Pudgy Parson happy. Five months, well spent...
Not that I doubted him, of course. But the it was kind of hard to think about, you know, while frantically sucking in air.
But today as I was cleaning up some accumulated clutter, I found it: the first workout. Stiff-legged deadlifts: 10 reps, 8 lbs. Now I do 12 reps at 35 lbs. That's the only exercise still in my routine from those early days (lovely, wonderful days) of being trained at the house. But even though I'm not still doing those exercises, I know that they'd be a joke to me now. Pretty much the only thing I use 10lb dumbbells for now is warming up (and that was the heavy weight at first.)
So much has changed since then. Not just the weights and rotations, but the way I look at things. Food is no longer a source of pleasure, though the conversation often is. Hunger is no longer a nuisance, but a sign that my body is working hard to get rid of the fat. I feed my body only what it needs to make it through the day and the workout. I eat at the same time every day. And while I'm not exactly a weight room expert, I no longer feel out of place. I don't dread working out, but instead (still) growl at off days. I'm fine when my heart rate stays in the 180's, and have learned to push when I'm mentally ready to stop. I no longer guess at my calories because I measure.
That makes this (slightly less) Pudgy Parson happy. Five months, well spent...
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Living like Winnie
"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." ~Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh
I first saw this quote tattooed on my cousins body--which maybe makes me a laugh at little bit. But the quote has sort of grabbed ahold of me, and it's become something that matters to me--something that I have to remind myself every now and then. Because not only have I been guilty of limiting myself, I've been just as guilty at letting other people's thoughts and expectations limit me.
He-who-trains taught me a lesson once. It was a high intensity cardio day, and I had been on the bike for almost 45 minutes. I was sweaty and tired and fully believed that I had given it everything. I thought when the timer said "45", I was done. Of course, that's the moment He-who-trains chose to come up and tell me that I wasn't done-- that that was only the first half. And not only that, but that I was to crank up the resistance. It's admittedly been awhile, but he said something like "When you think you can't go any more or any harder, put your head down and push through it."
I did. And I'm only exaggerating a little when I say I thought I was going to have a heart attack. If I thought I was sweaty before, I had not yet begun to sweat. (No seriously, like wring me out because there is no dry spot on my shirt sweaty.) But I've not forgotten what I learned: that there is much more in me than I am often able to realize.
This morning I preached on the passage in Acts where God tells Peter not to "call unclean what I have called clean." In some ways, it's a passage about putting up walls-- and about how they come crashing down in the presence of God. And when Peter is trying to defend himself to the religious authorities because he's done what God said, he says, "Who am I to hinder God?" I like that question and it's a good one for the church. But maybe an equally good question for someone who struggles with self doubt is "Who am I to limit myself?" I realize that I often put up walls and draw lines and create boundaries for what I can and can't do. But when I stop with it for a while, sometimes I surprise myself. I realize that there is more in me for which I cannot often give myself credit. Sometimes I do things that I really didn't think I could do. Maybe that's pushing through at the gym, or maybe it's shutting up the voices that tell me I need sweet carbs (which thankfully I am no longer craving-- LOVE this new program!) But maybe it's more than that. Maybe it's having the courage to own my stuff and do something about it. Maybe it's not apologizing for where I am and just simply standly firmly in that place.
I don't often take life advice from animated characters, but maybe I'll make an exception. I am strong-- strong enough to be who I am, to believe what I do, and two stand on my own two feet. And to one day get out of this body that has spent way too long holding me back.
I first saw this quote tattooed on my cousins body--which maybe makes me a laugh at little bit. But the quote has sort of grabbed ahold of me, and it's become something that matters to me--something that I have to remind myself every now and then. Because not only have I been guilty of limiting myself, I've been just as guilty at letting other people's thoughts and expectations limit me.
He-who-trains taught me a lesson once. It was a high intensity cardio day, and I had been on the bike for almost 45 minutes. I was sweaty and tired and fully believed that I had given it everything. I thought when the timer said "45", I was done. Of course, that's the moment He-who-trains chose to come up and tell me that I wasn't done-- that that was only the first half. And not only that, but that I was to crank up the resistance. It's admittedly been awhile, but he said something like "When you think you can't go any more or any harder, put your head down and push through it."
I did. And I'm only exaggerating a little when I say I thought I was going to have a heart attack. If I thought I was sweaty before, I had not yet begun to sweat. (No seriously, like wring me out because there is no dry spot on my shirt sweaty.) But I've not forgotten what I learned: that there is much more in me than I am often able to realize.
This morning I preached on the passage in Acts where God tells Peter not to "call unclean what I have called clean." In some ways, it's a passage about putting up walls-- and about how they come crashing down in the presence of God. And when Peter is trying to defend himself to the religious authorities because he's done what God said, he says, "Who am I to hinder God?" I like that question and it's a good one for the church. But maybe an equally good question for someone who struggles with self doubt is "Who am I to limit myself?" I realize that I often put up walls and draw lines and create boundaries for what I can and can't do. But when I stop with it for a while, sometimes I surprise myself. I realize that there is more in me for which I cannot often give myself credit. Sometimes I do things that I really didn't think I could do. Maybe that's pushing through at the gym, or maybe it's shutting up the voices that tell me I need sweet carbs (which thankfully I am no longer craving-- LOVE this new program!) But maybe it's more than that. Maybe it's having the courage to own my stuff and do something about it. Maybe it's not apologizing for where I am and just simply standly firmly in that place.
I don't often take life advice from animated characters, but maybe I'll make an exception. I am strong-- strong enough to be who I am, to believe what I do, and two stand on my own two feet. And to one day get out of this body that has spent way too long holding me back.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
It's the end of the world as I know it...
After getting tired of hearing me whining about being stuck, He-who-trains came up with a new way to torture me: two workouts per day, 1200 calories and very few carbs. And then he helpfully added "and I'd better not get any texts about how hungry you are." I was joking around and thought I was telling him that I was completely ok with this and said "Oh, I may still whine, but ok." And he made a very good point. "No whining" he said. "Your attitude affects your success." (Or something similar.)
He's right. (Of course he's right. He's always, irritatingly, eye-rollingly right.) I hadn't given much thought to that.
And I'll take that to heart in other areas. But I'm actually looking forward to this in several ways. First of all, I guess this sounds lame-o, but there won't be a lot of choice involved. (Kinda like how I was the only high school senior who liked having standardized dress--there was very little planning involved in getting ready for school.) 600 calories are taken up with protein shakes, and then another 160 or so with a fruit and milk preworkout snack. That only leaves 400ish calories that I have to figure out (and that won't provide a lot of options!) I like that I don't have to figure out a solid breakfast-- that's been a struggle since I was a kid. I'm just not a meat and eggs sort of person in the morning. Even oatmeal was a struggle some days. But liquid breakfast that requires no planning? Yes, please! I'm also pretty excited about the exercise time in the morning. I've missed that since I started training in the afternoon. That was always "my" time-- time to think in some ways. Nevermind that it sets a better, more productive tone for the rest of the day.
I'm betting He-who-trains expects me to be pretty miserable, but to see results. But even if I am hungry-- so what? There's so much much about this that makes my life easier. And I expect it to work. Besides, I'm in a place in my life where I'm done taking the easy route. Been there, done that, got the (much larger) Tshirt. I don't need easy-- I need all this excess to go away.
Hey. It's the end of the world as I know it. And I feel fine...
He's right. (Of course he's right. He's always, irritatingly, eye-rollingly right.) I hadn't given much thought to that.
And I'll take that to heart in other areas. But I'm actually looking forward to this in several ways. First of all, I guess this sounds lame-o, but there won't be a lot of choice involved. (Kinda like how I was the only high school senior who liked having standardized dress--there was very little planning involved in getting ready for school.) 600 calories are taken up with protein shakes, and then another 160 or so with a fruit and milk preworkout snack. That only leaves 400ish calories that I have to figure out (and that won't provide a lot of options!) I like that I don't have to figure out a solid breakfast-- that's been a struggle since I was a kid. I'm just not a meat and eggs sort of person in the morning. Even oatmeal was a struggle some days. But liquid breakfast that requires no planning? Yes, please! I'm also pretty excited about the exercise time in the morning. I've missed that since I started training in the afternoon. That was always "my" time-- time to think in some ways. Nevermind that it sets a better, more productive tone for the rest of the day.
I'm betting He-who-trains expects me to be pretty miserable, but to see results. But even if I am hungry-- so what? There's so much much about this that makes my life easier. And I expect it to work. Besides, I'm in a place in my life where I'm done taking the easy route. Been there, done that, got the (much larger) Tshirt. I don't need easy-- I need all this excess to go away.
Hey. It's the end of the world as I know it. And I feel fine...
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Countering Cortisol
So...this is apparently what I do. I write, and then I don't. And it's been two months of lame-o don't. I got busy, and then it was Lent, and then Easter, and then knocked off my feet and out of the gym for almost two weeks. And things were going well enough not to have anything to say. I thought I was winning the battle-- after all, my knees rarely scream anymore-- even when doing squats and the legpress. I was losing inches, and a few pounds here and there. I am beginning to see a shape emerging.
I started with He-who-trains five months ago, and while I'm glad I've lost the 27 lbs, it's definitely not what I hoped to achieve in that time. I was thinking I would be closer to 40-50lbs down. And as warmer weather approaches (though clearly not today...brrr) I will want to wear tank tops. I had imagined that my arms would not jiggle this year. I thought this would be the first summer in years that I would even think about a pair of shorts. And maybe even that while I wouldn't be perfect, I wouldn't hate my shape come beach time in June.
Perhaps I didn't have realistic expectations. Or perhaps I've not been as faithful about eating well as I should've been. Or maybe I haven't pushed myself as hard as I could've in the gym. Or maybe it's something else.
Several weeks ago, I started getting a new lecture (in addition to the other lectures!) from He-who-trains: that cortisol is significantly hindering my progress. And further, that until I got it under control, that I physically wouldn't be able to see the results I wanted to see.
I've been doing a lot of reading. (The most helpful has been The Coritsol Connection.) Cortisol is the stress hormone-- and it does all sorts of nasty things when it gets out of control. It is part of the "fight or flight" reaction, which is good, but when people are under chronic stress, the levels are not well regulated. When the levels stay too high, at the very least, it causes a craving of carbohydrates and a sense of lethargy. But those things are tiny in relationship to the other things: increased blood pressure, suppressed thyroid and immune functions, decrease in muscle density, storing of fat, impaired cognitive functions, and a host of other things.
As I've been reading, I've realized something. I've kind of always been stressed out--even as a little kid. Even as a child, I had more to-do lists than anyone could imagine (since the advent of technology, my post-its are digital-- which at least keeps them from taking over my world.) Even as a child, the thought of being late would make me nuts. And I've always had a sense of being too busy to enjoy things. My dad used to tell me to "go ragdoll" because my muscles were always so tense-- and I could never make myself do it. I've paid for it too. In seminary, I underwent MRI's and all sorts of tests because I had a headache that wouldn't go away. (Later ruled stress.) Several years ago, I was nauseated almost every day for nearly a year. (Also later ruled stress.) And I'm always catching whatever bug is floating by.
If He-who-trains is correct (and he usually is), and even with all the diet and exercise in the world, I won't be able to overcome this, then I have good reason to be nervous. I don't exactly know what to do to correct a lifetime of bad habits, but I've realized that doing nothing is not an option. I don't know that these small things are enough, but they are something-- some place to begin. So here is what I'm re-committing to do, in effort to begin to manage my stress.
-Start writing again. Here, but not just here. In journals, at my other blog. On lists. Everyday, somewhere.
-Walking Bella-- not for exercise or because she needs to do her business, but because it makes both of us happy. It's a good place to gather my thoughts before the day runs away with me.
- Doing creative things. Taking pictures, and drawing/painting, knitting.
- Keeping my space neat (and cheerful). I don't function well in clutter and mess, and it's easier to stay on top of it rather than having to take a day to recover from the toll my week has taken on the state of the house.
-Cooking. Having healthy meals ready to go in the fridge--that makes it easier to be diligent about eating well.
-Practing some form of Examen at the end of the day. Reflecting on the things for which I'm grateful, and the things that didn't go as well as they should. Asking myself how I did in meeting goals.
Yeah, so I've committed to all these things before. And I've slipped. But I kind of like what Zig Zigler said: "People say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing. That's why we recommend it daily." Today's a new day, and it's time to begin again.
I started with He-who-trains five months ago, and while I'm glad I've lost the 27 lbs, it's definitely not what I hoped to achieve in that time. I was thinking I would be closer to 40-50lbs down. And as warmer weather approaches (though clearly not today...brrr) I will want to wear tank tops. I had imagined that my arms would not jiggle this year. I thought this would be the first summer in years that I would even think about a pair of shorts. And maybe even that while I wouldn't be perfect, I wouldn't hate my shape come beach time in June.
Perhaps I didn't have realistic expectations. Or perhaps I've not been as faithful about eating well as I should've been. Or maybe I haven't pushed myself as hard as I could've in the gym. Or maybe it's something else.
Several weeks ago, I started getting a new lecture (in addition to the other lectures!) from He-who-trains: that cortisol is significantly hindering my progress. And further, that until I got it under control, that I physically wouldn't be able to see the results I wanted to see.
I've been doing a lot of reading. (The most helpful has been The Coritsol Connection.) Cortisol is the stress hormone-- and it does all sorts of nasty things when it gets out of control. It is part of the "fight or flight" reaction, which is good, but when people are under chronic stress, the levels are not well regulated. When the levels stay too high, at the very least, it causes a craving of carbohydrates and a sense of lethargy. But those things are tiny in relationship to the other things: increased blood pressure, suppressed thyroid and immune functions, decrease in muscle density, storing of fat, impaired cognitive functions, and a host of other things.
As I've been reading, I've realized something. I've kind of always been stressed out--even as a little kid. Even as a child, I had more to-do lists than anyone could imagine (since the advent of technology, my post-its are digital-- which at least keeps them from taking over my world.) Even as a child, the thought of being late would make me nuts. And I've always had a sense of being too busy to enjoy things. My dad used to tell me to "go ragdoll" because my muscles were always so tense-- and I could never make myself do it. I've paid for it too. In seminary, I underwent MRI's and all sorts of tests because I had a headache that wouldn't go away. (Later ruled stress.) Several years ago, I was nauseated almost every day for nearly a year. (Also later ruled stress.) And I'm always catching whatever bug is floating by.
If He-who-trains is correct (and he usually is), and even with all the diet and exercise in the world, I won't be able to overcome this, then I have good reason to be nervous. I don't exactly know what to do to correct a lifetime of bad habits, but I've realized that doing nothing is not an option. I don't know that these small things are enough, but they are something-- some place to begin. So here is what I'm re-committing to do, in effort to begin to manage my stress.
-Start writing again. Here, but not just here. In journals, at my other blog. On lists. Everyday, somewhere.
-Walking Bella-- not for exercise or because she needs to do her business, but because it makes both of us happy. It's a good place to gather my thoughts before the day runs away with me.
- Doing creative things. Taking pictures, and drawing/painting, knitting.
- Keeping my space neat (and cheerful). I don't function well in clutter and mess, and it's easier to stay on top of it rather than having to take a day to recover from the toll my week has taken on the state of the house.
-Cooking. Having healthy meals ready to go in the fridge--that makes it easier to be diligent about eating well.
-Practing some form of Examen at the end of the day. Reflecting on the things for which I'm grateful, and the things that didn't go as well as they should. Asking myself how I did in meeting goals.
Yeah, so I've committed to all these things before. And I've slipped. But I kind of like what Zig Zigler said: "People say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing. That's why we recommend it daily." Today's a new day, and it's time to begin again.
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