Despite a hard second month (being sick, and traveling, and the aforementioned two week rebellion), the scale indicates that my body is on board. I've lost 16 pounds, and enough inches that, as I said in a text to He-who-trains, "My suit pants look like a tent. My shoes are falling off. And there is enough space in my clerical collar that my dog could stick her head out too." It's beginning to show in my face-- though I think a number of my sweet congregants are concerned that I'm still sick-- that that's why my face looks less full than it did. But the truth is, flu aside, I'm starting to feel good. I'd say that I've been so unhealthy for so long that it is possible I have never really known what good is. But I'm starting to.
One of my favorite verses of scripture has always been "Be still and know that I am God." It's always been a challenge for me-- at least the first part. But when I learned that the Hebrew literally says, "Cease striving"-- that was beyond my imagining. It seems that's what people do-- is struggle and writhe and contort and fight and flail. The word is the same one that was used when Jacob tangled with the angel in Genesis. What a hard command-- stop struggling.
He-who-trains told me once that I shouldn't be having to fight so hard--that I should be able to easily say, "This is my life." He said it shouldn't be a struggle. I told him that was easy for him to say because he had always known this life. I made his ringtone "Mortal Kombat" because it felt like an apt description of what I was going through.
But I'm starting to understand. I may never be able to fully live into Psalm 46:10, but I'm beginning to feel what its like not to have to struggle to make this my life. The fight is gone-- and now that it is, I can begin to live into the second definition of strive: To make great efforts to achieve something.
It's great. Only it leaves me with nothing to write home about. I guess I'll start posting recipes or household cleaning tips or something.