Apparently, it's my mouth that gets me into trouble: promising things that I later have to fight to mean, agreeing to things that I wish I hadn't agreed to. He-who-trains wants me to keep a log of everything I eat. Well, that's fine. I'm already doing that. I've been using my iphone and the Livestrong app to keep track of my food intake for several weeks now. I've been proud of myself, getting pretty close each day to the number of calories He-who-trains wants me to eat and the ratio of carbs, proteins, and fats he wants me to maintain. It was a struggle, but the Pudgy Parson is a conquerer. I was all about the food log.
But then I realized that he wants to actually see my food log. And while my brain was saying "No way, bozo", my mouth was happily saying, "Oh, ok. I can do that. I think I can export directly from my app. How often would you like that emailed to you?"
See. It's the brain-mouth connection that's a problem.
But a bigger problem is that I don't particularly want to send him my food log. I've been really honest in it, having gotten pretty skilled at tracking during the Weight Watchers years. I think a food log is a great tool. Yet, now I think about what happens if I want to cheat. Oh, He-who-trains is ok with a splurge meal. (Oops I almost wrote "splurge day"--- Freudian slip? Wishful thinking?) I could tell him that I ate pizza or burgers one night. Though I'm betting I'd get the look if I said I ate pizza and burgers one night.
So what do I do if in a stress-induced eating fit, I gobble up a chocolate cake? Do I accidentally forget that I ate it? Or do I write "slice of chocolate cake"? Granted, I haven't even been tempted by these things lately. I haven't wanted sugar. I haven't wanted to cheat. In fact, I've wanted to be brutally honest. I want to finally be healthy.
But now that I'm supposed to be sending him my food logs, all of the sudden I'm starting to think about these things. Like more accountability makes me want to be less accountable. Like I need the freedom to be off the radar.
I just have to keep telling myself that sins of omission are just as serious as sins of commission. So maybe if I eat the entire chocolate cake, I have to admit to both myself and He-who-trains that I ate the entire chocolate cake.
Or maybe, it would be easier to just keep doing the things I have been doing, and eating well. Sans Chocolate Cake.